This should be easy. Not saying that I am easy. In fact, by no means am I easy at all. I think that’s why I’m still single after 39 years. I should probably work on that. What do you think?
Okay, so the five ways to win my heart are:
- Be good to my children. They mean everything to me. I spent a week in labor with them and 27 hours in transitional labor with them. I almost died for them. They are the center of my universe. If you want to have anything to do with me, then you must develop a solid, decent relationship with them. If you can’t do that, if you don’t like children, if you are too selfish to care about children, then don’t even bother trying to get together with me. You won’t even last five seconds.
- I’m a Christian and I’m a Liberal. I believe in LGBT Rights, I am Pro-Choice and I believe in helping those people who are less fortunate than I am. I do not judge people based off the color of their skin or whom they share a bed with. I don’t think someone is less worthy because they have a penis or a vagina. This is who I am. You will not change me. You are free to be an Atheist and a Conservative. You are free to have opposite viewpoints from me. But if you are going to engage me in conversation, be intelligent. Don’t spout something because you once heard it on Fox News or you think it might be a passage from the Bible. Know your facts. Support your statement. Do not be afraid to argue your faith (or non-faith). If anything, it will only serve to strengthen it. If you waver in your belief, it might be because you opened your mind to another point of view. There is nothing wrong with that.
- Feed me. You don’t have to take me to some fancy restaurant and wine and dine me. You can make me hot dogs and macaroni and cheese and entertain me at your place for all I care. But don’t expect me to do a lot of cooking. I enjoy cooking, but I’m not a regular cook. Making me dinner occasionally is a great way to win my heart.
- Understand that I have an extremely unusual relationship with my children. We talk about everything. They have known about sex since they were old enough to ask the question. We engage in deep conversations about God and religion and the economy and politics. Many people don’t understand our relationship. They probably think I’m doing it wrong. But I’ve never been one to treat my children as if they couldn’t understand basic information. Children are sponges and are designed to absorb information at a tremendous rate. I took advantage of that. Now I have two free-thinking amazing teenagers.
- Finally, if you really, truly want to win my heart, you must, without any doubt or hesitation, absolutely understand my deep obsession with Doctor Who. Not only must you understand it, you must take part of it. Don’t think for a second that Thanksgiving and Christmas are actually about getting together with family, eating lots of food and exchanging gifts. No. It’s only about the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special and the Doctor Who Christmas Special. If you can’t understand that, then don’t even bother talking with me.